| (no subject) |
[Sep. 18th, 2008|01:44 pm] |
i peeled carrots, potatos, and my thumb today. mom is preparing deer neck stew. my adorable little man is sleeping. i miss charlie. i'm glad i talked to his sexually harrassed ass the other night. my divorce papers have been filed and served. so i am officially going through a divorce. and it's a good thing. please don't tell me "i'm sorry, that must be hard" because i will not respond to you. i have now lost 80 lbs since my pregnancy. and i'm happy about that. i'm getting really close to going and getting my driver's license. i drink a lot more coffee than should be allowed, but i'm not here to follow instruction. i like it. i will drink it, in large quantities. i am now on two different types off anti-depressants, and two types on anti-anxiety medications. because i am a soup sandwich. my sister just turned 13. and she's just about my height now. but her feet are bigger than mine, by two sizes. i have been biting my fingers a whole lot more now. and i paint my nails constantly. right now i have purple fingernails and obnoxiously bright neon yellow toenails, but i think i need to repaint them all very soon. most of my clothes don't fit anymore. i go outside a lot more, and oskar is enjoying it. everyday that child gets filthy. he's been going to bed earlier, and waking up ealier. i have nightmares about sarah palin. i get a little stir crazy sometimes. my cat is sitting next to me.
i think i'm done. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 24th, 2008|06:07 pm] |
i left my husband.
i really did.
i can not believe i left my husband.
he was mean.
and i left him.
nenny nenny boo boo. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2008|01:00 am] |
i have decided that my last entry is the joke.
not me.
i have accomplished something many women wish they could.
and i did.
i have left a situation that was rotting.
i am not a joke.
i am a fucking warrior.
i am woman.
dammit. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2008|01:38 am] |
my life has become a joke.
i love my son.
but i am a mere joke. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 22nd, 2008|12:50 am] |
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i'm listening to the song "crazy" by gnarles barkley and am loving it... my child is turing a year old on the 31st... that really is is crazy. i'm glad i'm thin again and people don't believe that i've had a child much less one that weighed 10lbs 9 oz. i gained 70 lbs with the kid... and it's all come off. and honestly, i don't regret it. i love the fact that i got huge, and i had a huge baby. but... it makes me sad that he's growing up, but proud also. happy and sad. i never realized how many mixed emotions go into this... but i remember my mom telling me as i was growing up, but i didn't care... now i know... and i can't get over it. he is amazing, but he scares me. i love him, and miss him, miss him mainly because i know what's coming even though it's not until years and years later... but i know it's coming... and so i already miss him... even though he's still here... being a mom is insane. but god dammit i would not trade it for the world. but now it's my job to make sure i do what i can to make sure i'm the kind of mom that is unforgettable. i hope i live up to what i want him to think of me. because he is my world. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2008|01:52 pm] |
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i have nothing to say. |
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| lots of dates to remember. |
[Jun. 21st, 2008|08:15 pm] |
on june 29th i will have been married for a year. that's right. a year. awesome.
on july 5th i will be 23 years old. that's right. 23.
and the biggest date.
on july 31st oskar will be a year old. that's right. a year.
my baby's is growing up. and so am i. |
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| excuse me.... |
[May. 19th, 2008|09:16 pm] |
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could you please the green apple slush? |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2008|11:28 am] |
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i'm getting an olde english bulldogge. |
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| i'm horrible at this whole journaling thing now... funny.... i used to be so good. |
[Nov. 10th, 2007|12:54 am] |
since i last posted oskar has started to laugh out loud. it is the most amazing sound. better than your's. :o) haha.
i've had back surgery. i'm doing a lot better now. yay for me.
there's a possbil;ity that i might start running a daycare through my apartment. but it might not happen. it depends on what nikos says.
but everything on my side of the world is going well.
yay for me. |
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| oskar |
[Aug. 19th, 2007|01:17 am] |
so i know everyone that has children, thinks they have the most beautiful, coolest, funniest children ever... but i really do. like seriously.
oskar could kick you kid's ass.
like whoa. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 27th, 2007|01:56 am] |
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so... i'm about 2 cm dilated. so this is good news. i'm a week and two days overdue. so now that i know there is at least some kind of progression going on makes me feel a lot better. i started getting to the point where i didn't think i was ever going to have him. but it looks like there is a chance i am having a baby soon! hahahahaha. i'm losing my mind. i feel that i have been pregnant for so long. but i know it's nothing out of the ordinary. i just really can't wait... can't wait. |
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| ingrown. |
[Jul. 21st, 2007|12:30 am] |
i had a really badly infected ingrown toenail. i tried to free the little bugger, and only made it worse, and almost threw up in the process. my mama looked at it, and told me in was doctor visit worthy. so i went.
in the last few months, my confidence about giving birth has gone up. i really felt that this is something i can do. i was even going to try to do it without drugs. i've read up on labor and delivery. i watched videos. tv shows. i really felt good about the entire thing in all honesty.
then i go to have this ingrown toenail removed. the experience was unlike anything i expected. the dr. numbed my toe which of course was painful because it was a big ass shot in my foot. but when she started cutting at my toenail and pulling in up, i could feel it. i felt everything. now granted i didn't feel it in the sense i felt all the pain. but the pressure. i felt the pressure and the sensation of what she was doing. i wasn't watching so it wasn't like i was making myself feel it subconciously either. i cried like a fucking baby. my teeth were chattering. i was squeezing my mother's arm, and one of the nurse's arm to the point that they should've lost blood circulation. when it was finally over i was so relieved, but completely humiliated. i thought that i could handle childbirth without drugs, but i can't even handle this women doing a precedure on my numbed toe. i cried about 6 times yesterday because of this. it seriously rocked my whole world. it was so traumatic for me.
but my mom later explained... these are two completely different types of pain, and after you give birth you'll have a baby to show for it. with the your toe, all you had was a piece of nail and a bloody toe.
i now feel a lot better about the situation, but i'm still not quite as confident as i was before the toe precedure. we'll see what happens.
on a lighter note, my godmom baha is coming in the morning. i haven't seen her in quite some time. i actually can not remember the last time it was. but it's been a couple years i believe.
so yay! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2007|12:44 am] |
so on june 29th 2007 i became jadie elizabeth saliaris.
i got married!
oh it was lovely.
i cried literally the entire time. when it was my turn to say my vows i could barely speak. nikos told me that be looking at me, he almost started to cry as well! too cute.
and then on july 5th i turned 22.
i'm still pregnant as hell but not for too much longer. i'm due on the 18th. |
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| it's true. |
[Jul. 1st, 2006|11:10 pm] |
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i'll be 21 in four days. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 1st, 2006|10:31 pm] |
for anyone who has ever known me in anyway, knows that i'm a little out there. i feel things a little more raw. i have a good heart, but i've been a big disappointment. mainly because people always knew that i could do better. that i could have great, and that i could be great. but i always settled for the temorary easy happiness, rather than work for the long term, maybe even permanent happiness.
but since i moved to bamberg, i have turned myself around. yea, i still meddle in mind altering substances, but not near as much as i used to. i'm sober more often then not. i work my ass for the money i have. i have more confidence than ever. i feel good about who i am. i've always wanted a family. i've always wanted a kid or at the absolute most two. i've always wanted a man to love me. support me for my beliefs and in what i love to do, whether it be writing, photography, painting. but most of all, love me. but not just love me. like, really love me. ME! and not want change. love me for who i am. love me for how i think, and what my past was. and love me for what i've made myself. and what i've learned. who i've become. but.... i pretty much gave up on that. i've never had a genuinely healthy relationship. whether we loved each other or not. and there were always reasons for that. so honestly i really just gave up on that whole simple life concept. i just did what i could to be remembered. because that became a fear of mine. not being remembered. i felt that i went through too much. or seen too much, or felt too much. i mean, fuck, out of all the bad you know about me, all the fuck ups or whatever, can you honestly say that i don't have a good heart? no you can't. because if i did, i would feel the way i did for so long. i wanted nothing more than to fall to my knees and apologize to everyone for everything. even if i hadn't done anything wrong to that specific person. i felt so bad for people to have to know me. because i felt like such a disappointment. waste of space... but when i finally got the strength to be sober and really truly in depth think about everything... i really so much. so much about myself. i really am a good person. despite all the bad decisions. all the fuck-ups. i kept a good heart. i always felt guilty, even if it was something not worth feeling guilty about. but another thing that made me know that i was good... i was always me. i was never anyone else. i was influenced, yes, but who wasn't, isn't, or hasn't? but i never apologized for being me. and i always loved and genuinely cared about the people around me. whether i liked them. loved them. or fuck, even the people i hated i still cared about.
i felt so much, all the time... i got so scared of my thoughts. i either had to be aroung people people people or fucked up or something that would distract me.
i have become something i never thought that i would be. i have become proud. i am proud of myself. i know i'm good. unconventional, but good. i earn what i have. and above all, i'm happy.
but to step a few, i said i gave up on the simple family, husband type of life.
that was until i met Nikolaos "Niko" Saliaris. everything i said that i wanted earlier in this entry, i got. but on top of all that... i got a best friend. i got a man, that makes me feel more like a woman than i ever have. i'm still a tomboy. t-shirt, jeans, chuck taylor's, burps farts, whatever. but i have never been more at home. more happy. more beautiful. more excited about each day. more excited about what will happen next. more excited about life all together, good bad, beautiful, and most of all the ugly, (mainly because the ugly is what teaches you the most) than i am right now.
i'm about to say, well, type something that none of you, more than likely, ever expected to hear/read come from me.
i'm getting married. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 13th, 2006|11:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
my mom had an appointment today, to get new glasses. this was in orangeburg. so she went. picked out new glasses. and apparently doing so, gave her a craving for papa john's pizza. so she brought home two large pizzas. she woke me up when she got home. to pizza!! i love pizza in the morning. but new pizza? not.. day old pizza? out of the fridge, or off the top of the stove. nope. it was new.
that's the first time that has ever happened to me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 16th, 2005|11:10 pm] |
my cousin left her cd's here like two weeks ago.
maybe not that long ago, but who's counting.
even when i hate being there, i still love my job.
there's always something to do.
and there's always someone to meet. or talk to.
i really like it.
i really like my boss too.
he's fun to work with.
he was singing along with the music that is played in the store, and right now it's christmas shit, it was very funny. i would elaborate. but i don't feel like it. haha!
i'm trying to upload new, wel not really new, but pictures on myspace, but it's taking forever cause i have dial up and it's annoying.
a romance is happening. one that was had, and thrown. but not really ever died. and it's blossoming again... and it feels god damn good.
but i live in bamberg. and he does not.
this might be hard. but i think it should happen. he's great, and i'm a little bit insane.
my hands are dry.
my feet are sore.
but right now.
this very minute.
i feel wonderful about things.
even though not everything is good.
somethings couldn't even shake good's hand.
but i'm not worried.
haha.
yes.
i'm going to smoke another cigarette.
because they make me feel beautiful. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 9th, 2005|12:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
i have $17 to my name. thanks to christmas shopping.
i don't feel very good.
i ate a bunch of mega m&m's.
i have to get up early to go to orangeburg tomorrow with my mom before i have to go to work.
i have a piece of scotch tape wrapped around my right pinky finger instead of a bandaid.
my fingers are in the worst shape ever due to me biting them. the pretty much hurt constantly. throbbing sometimes.
it stings when i use soap. but i do it anyway.
i miss having a best friend.
i haven't had one in years.
i think it would be fun to have one again.
richard brautigan is kind of like a best friend.
we have a lot in common.
too bad he's dead.
but just like zach said,
"i suppose i get footballs pulled away when i go to kick them, too" |
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glittershowbug's journal